Darn it this is hard. I went to the doctor yesterday and the good news is that I lost 16 lbs. The bad news is that I still have 10 weeks to go and the temptations to "cheat" or to give up have not stopped. It sucks. I just want to eat. I know all of the arguments that I just need to to hang in there, that it will be worth it in the end, etc. But that does not make it any easier.
Actually, I did cheat. Three times. And I consider it all good. All of my family is around because of Grandma dying and there is just food everywhere. Mostly lunch meat, but sister-in-law Morgan made lasagna on Friday and sister-in-law Julie made some type of taco dip/burrito filler on Saturday. (Note that my wife Kris does not make that kind of food right now because she knows I can't have it. Plus our kids only eat chicken nuggets, hot dogs, cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese.) I ate some of it. It was good. But now I feel guilty for doing it. Crap. I hate this - feeling guilty for eating food that my family made.
Anyways, I have hit another mood of being irritable and grouchy. Evidently the combination of guilt and hunger are not a good mix. Unlike the perfect combination of Spencer and Heidi (see, I do know pop culture). I need to come up with a coping method or plan of attack to get through the next 10 weeks. I have some ideas in mind, but I will keep them to myself for the next few days.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Breaking Matt - Part 3
I am so tired of drinking those stupid NutriMed Supplement shakes. I am drinking them at breakfast, morning snack, lunch and evening snacks. Four times a day I have to drink those stupid shakes. I would love to just have even a piece of toast for breakfast! I'm so stinking hungry (I could use better adjectives here, but evidently some people are actually reading this blog) right now and the last thing I want to do is down another stupid shake. I hate them. I loathe them. I want to burn all of the little white packets of mix in the world. But, I have to do it, and here is why.
One of the things I learned from our experience with Abbie's surgery is that when you ask the Lord for help and he answers your prayer, you have to hold up your end of the bargain. We are so grateful to God for the Cincinnatii Children's Hospital and their amazing doctors, nurses and staff. Without a doubt they were an answer to prayer. But it is a bit annoying making the eight hour round trip drive for a 20 minute check up. However, this is part of the answered prayer. We have to do the hard stuff - drives, therapy, stretching, etc. - in order to see the fruits of God. He has promised to do his part - healing, leading, safety, etc. - and we must do our part. God did not promise Abbie's surgery and recovery would be easy, but he did promise healing and to be with us. The same is true with breaking me down and this diet.
God has never promised me this diet would be easy, but he has promised a way for me to get through it. The stupid shakes are one of the ways. While they are not enjoyable, they are what I "need" nutritionally to get through this. I have a few choices: (1) I could give up because it is too hard, (2) I could cheat and give in to temptations, and no one would really blame me, (3) I could complain and make the whole process more difficult on myself, my family and those at work or (4) I can lament to God, seek his strength and trust that he will get me through these little down moments of the journey. Obviously choice 4 is what I should do and am going to do at this time. But don't think the other 3 are not more tempting. So, I will go and make another stupid strawberry shake and drink it. Then at lunch time I will make another and drink that. God will give me the strength to make the right choice.
Bottoms up!
One of the things I learned from our experience with Abbie's surgery is that when you ask the Lord for help and he answers your prayer, you have to hold up your end of the bargain. We are so grateful to God for the Cincinnatii Children's Hospital and their amazing doctors, nurses and staff. Without a doubt they were an answer to prayer. But it is a bit annoying making the eight hour round trip drive for a 20 minute check up. However, this is part of the answered prayer. We have to do the hard stuff - drives, therapy, stretching, etc. - in order to see the fruits of God. He has promised to do his part - healing, leading, safety, etc. - and we must do our part. God did not promise Abbie's surgery and recovery would be easy, but he did promise healing and to be with us. The same is true with breaking me down and this diet.
God has never promised me this diet would be easy, but he has promised a way for me to get through it. The stupid shakes are one of the ways. While they are not enjoyable, they are what I "need" nutritionally to get through this. I have a few choices: (1) I could give up because it is too hard, (2) I could cheat and give in to temptations, and no one would really blame me, (3) I could complain and make the whole process more difficult on myself, my family and those at work or (4) I can lament to God, seek his strength and trust that he will get me through these little down moments of the journey. Obviously choice 4 is what I should do and am going to do at this time. But don't think the other 3 are not more tempting. So, I will go and make another stupid strawberry shake and drink it. Then at lunch time I will make another and drink that. God will give me the strength to make the right choice.
Bottoms up!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Breaking Matt - Part 2
"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary." - Psalm 28:1-2
Not be overly dramatic, but yesterday was extremely difficult. The withdraw from the Zoloft was very strong - cloudy head, very irritable. I was very tempted to throw in the towel and go get some Burger King for lunch. But then I would have felt very guilty and bad and then it would have been worse. So I did what preachers are supposed to do, I began to read the Bible. I did a simple word search on the word strength and was very comforted by what I found. The Psalm from above was very helpful for me. It really captured what I was feeling and wanted to express to God. Coming into this diet I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be the hardest thing that I have ever done. I did not realize just how difficult it would be.
This morning when I woke up, the cloudy head was gone. I do not feel as irritable and feel as though I am thinking clearly. I hope this means that the Zoloft is now about out of my system and all I need to face is the hunger. I wanted to share with you this morning about the faithfulness of God and His deliverance. He never promises that life will be easy, but he has promised that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I am learning how to find my strength in God for the first time. It's sad that it has taken 34 years for me to admit that I do all things in my own strength and I had to confess that as sin. I am overwhelmed that God still loves me and has provided strength for me. I want to close with Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Not be overly dramatic, but yesterday was extremely difficult. The withdraw from the Zoloft was very strong - cloudy head, very irritable. I was very tempted to throw in the towel and go get some Burger King for lunch. But then I would have felt very guilty and bad and then it would have been worse. So I did what preachers are supposed to do, I began to read the Bible. I did a simple word search on the word strength and was very comforted by what I found. The Psalm from above was very helpful for me. It really captured what I was feeling and wanted to express to God. Coming into this diet I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be the hardest thing that I have ever done. I did not realize just how difficult it would be.
This morning when I woke up, the cloudy head was gone. I do not feel as irritable and feel as though I am thinking clearly. I hope this means that the Zoloft is now about out of my system and all I need to face is the hunger. I wanted to share with you this morning about the faithfulness of God and His deliverance. He never promises that life will be easy, but he has promised that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I am learning how to find my strength in God for the first time. It's sad that it has taken 34 years for me to admit that I do all things in my own strength and I had to confess that as sin. I am overwhelmed that God still loves me and has provided strength for me. I want to close with Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
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